Guidance Gazetteer
So.
St. Marys St. Elementary School
370
So. St. Marys St.; St. Marys, PA 15857
(814)
834-3021
Bob Grumley, Principal Leigh South, Guidance Counselor
Volume 3, Issue 2 December2002/January 2003
The Biggest Mistake Made by Today’s Parent I
find myself referring more and more to the work of Dr. John Rosemond when
faced with a parenting question of my own, or, one from the parents who’s
children attend our school. I
recently found this article in the September 2000 Affirmative Parenting
Magazine. The focus of this article
is to determine if today’s parents (one who is the busiest, most
“involved”, child-centered and talking parent) are getting better results
then yesterday’s parents (one who is remote and relatively unapproachable). John asked the following question to
four different audiences with a combined total of some 2500 people. “Raise your hand if you
can say with confidence that your children are as well behaved as you were
as a child?” I was not at all surprised
to read that only 25 hands were raised.
This is not in EACH audience, no, that’s 25 hands TOTAL from all
FOUR!! By the 1950s’ standards,
many of today’s children qualify as certifiable brats. John finds epidemic numbers of parents complaining
how difficult, frustrating, exhausting, etc. raising children often is. Never have so many parents sought
professional help with discipline issues. How did we as parents go wrong?? Prior to the 1960s, child rearing was
conducted according to an implicit leadership model. Then the “helping” professionals came
along intent upon demonizing traditional parenting in all of its
aspects. Mental Health
professionals persuaded adults to believing the key to good parenting was
not leadership, but a relationship. This leads us to the problems today’s
parents are experiencing. Today’s
parents have good relationships with their children. However, you can not try to have a good
relationship with your child and effectively lead at the same time. And if you are not leading, then
discipline will be a perennial hassle.
Good leaders may be friendly,
courteous, polite and respectful, but they can’t afford to try and have
wonderful relationships with the people they lead because that interferes
with good decision-making. Quite
simply, you can’t make good decisions if you’re worried about what people
think of you. Good leaders don’t get highly
involved with the people they lead because micro-management is what
results, and
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Redirecting Children’s Behavior – Part 4 |
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The Biggest Mistake Made by Today’s Parents |
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2 |
Tasks Children Can Do To Learn Responsibility – listed according to age |
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Continued on page 3
your child by giving material rewards. Expect your
child to be capable.
We often do things for our children because we can do them more
quickly and efficiently. However,
we are robbing our children of the chance to learn by experience and to build
self-confidence. When you act as
if your child can handle a situation, she senses you have confidence in
her. She will feel encouraged to
do things beyond what she thinks in currently possible. Give your
child responsibilities. At time parents only give children
responsibilities that relate to their own personal effect, such as picking
up their belongings. One of the best ways you can teach your child
helpfulness is to provide many opportunities for him to contribute to the
family. Avoid giving him only low
dignity jobs such as taking out the trash or cleaning up after the
dog. Include such tasks as
shopping or cooking a meal. Let
him know he is making an important contribution to the family. Just as it is unlikely for you to
become a star basketball player by only observing a basketball pro, it is
just as unlikely that your child will learn to get herself out of bed on
time if you take the responsibility away from her by waking her
everyday. Hand down
responsibility.
Each month, ask yourself, “What am I doing for my child this month
that he may be ready to take responsibility for doing on his own?” A preschooler can make his own bed in
the morning, or an older child is now ready to learn to do his own
laundry.
These gradual gifts of responsibility will prove to be far less
overwhelming to your child than if you wait until he is sixteen, eighteen
or later to declare, “You’re an adult now – handle things on your
own.” TASKS
CHILDREN CAN DO TO LEARN RESPONSIBILITY
18 months old – 3
years old ·
Turn off lights while being carried ·
Carry in the newspaper or mail ·
Wash table/counters with a damp
sponge. ·
Pick up toys and clothes ·
Feed and water pets ·
Help set the table ·
Help put groceries away ·
Take clothes out of the dryer ·
Help make beds ·
Seal and stamp an envelope ·
Clear dishes from the table ·
Tell you when a traffic light turns
green
Continued from page 2 Redirecting Part 4 Continued from page 1 – The Biggest
Mistake
create co-dependence. Good leaders don’t explain themselves a
lot, because the more you explain yourself, the less sure of yourself you
appear to be. In short, many, if
not most, of today’s well-intentioned parents are micro-managers who appear
unsure of themselves. Because they
aren’t leading, their children aren’t following, which is why child rearing
is no longer the relative no-brainer it once was. The parent-child relationship does
not consist of equals; therefore, it’s not complicated. The child has no clue as to what is in
his/her own best interest, no grasp of how to properly manage his/her
life. The child needs managers,
leaders, and these leaders – parents who see the big picture and understand
what is in the child’s best interest – do not require the consent of the
child in order to lead. Any
idealistic attempt to democratize the parent-child relationship will fall
flat on its well-intentioned face.
The relationship can be a democracy once the child has been
emancipated (moved out on his/her own), not before. Before, it’s supposed to be a benevolent
dictatorship. Benevolent because
the parent loves the child and keeps the child’s best interest in the
forefront of his/her mind; a dictatorship because the parent is there to
dictate or to instruct with authority.
A good leader is able to do two
things: inspire and intimidate.
First, a good leader inspires the people he/she leads to do things
they might otherwise shy away from even attempting. Second, a good leader intimidates by
producing unwavering respect.
How? By being forcefully
decisive, by taking firm hold of the reins, by radiating
self-confidence. The effective
parent inspires a child to take leaps of faith, to attempt what the child
has never before attempted, much less accomplished, and what looks to the
child to be too hard. The effective
parent-leader does this by demonstrating, supporting, and motivating. The effective parent-leader must stand
back and let the child take his proverbial “licks”, in order to learn “the
hard way” that he is capable of standing on his own two feet. Effective leaders inspire by
intimidating and intimidate by inspiring.
These qualities are inseparable.
But remember! An effective leader does not attempt to form close
relationships with his/her followers because the moment close relationships
are formed, the "leader" begins to worry about what his/her
"followers" now think about him/her. And that is the biggest
mistake made by today's well-intentioned parents. The love of a good leader is TOUGH LOVE. It’s a love that can tolerate the child
crying because you won’t do something for him that he
can do for himself. It’s a love
that can both punish when punishment is called for and hold the child
closely when holding is called
for. It’s a love that
feeds both the child’s heart and the child’s mind. Every child
deserves no lesser a love, and therefore, no
lesser a leader. Affirmative Parenting Magazine, Spring 2000,
Vol. 4, No. 4 4 – 6 years old ·
All of the above, plus more: ·
Help find grocery store items in the
store ·
Help fold towels and wash clothes ·
Count goods at the grocery store ·
Water plants ·
Sort white clothes from dark clothes ·
Help with vacuuming, sweeping, and
dusting ·
Take library books and videos to or
from the car ·
Help younger siblings ·
Help plant a garden ·
Wash the floor ·
Put dishes in the dishwasher ·
Measure soap for the dishwasher and
start cycle ·
Assist in meal planning ·
Make a simple meal ·
Empty dishwasher and stack dishes on
counter ·
Rake leaves for a short period of time ·
Help wash pets ·
Start to manage his own money ·
Carry in firewood ·
Walk a well-behaved pet 7 – 10 years old ·
All the above, plus more: ·
Get herself up in the morning ·
Help wash and vacuum the car ·
Wash dishes ·
Fix snacks and light meals ·
Help read recipes ·
Run washing machine and dryer ·
Change sheets on bed ·
Read to younger siblings ·
Bathe younger siblings 11 – 15 years old ·
All the above, plus more: ·
Baby sit ·
Cook meals ·
Buy groceries from a list ·
Order out for the family ·
Mow lawn ·
Wash windows ·
Change light bulbs 16 – 18 years old ·
All the above, plus more: ·
Run errands ·
Handle their own checking account ·
Maintain car ·
Help younger siblings with homework ·
Take care of siblings
